Mihi, pro serenus

Okay, so after my chat with my friend I stopped of at home before heading to town with Sam. It was good he texted me asking me to go to town, but I regret telling him that I wasn't planning on eating. But hell I'm fat. A fat fat fatty >.<

I truely detest myself. I hurt people, I'm ugly, I'm unstable, I'm clingy, I FAIL.

but here I am, same bat time same bat place.

any idea what to do, no
any idea where I stand, a bit. She didn't like her past being brought up, especially unexpectedly. It rattled some things. But she was more worried about my reactions then anything else. Also a bit shaken at the loss of her private place of call -.-

So I am a douche, (in my books) but she's not angry

Night

Okay, so I've told her and am actually sat next to her writing this (though she's working).

So the boyfriend thing was just a metaphore for part of her self being held back. But I think, no I believe completely that I have upset her. She's said to me how she hates the past being brought up and that she wouldn't have done it herself. But she's not angry with me and I'm not sure which is worse?

I feel so bad, I didn't mean to pry, I was just curious. I just want to know more about her. A person's past shows how they became the person they are today. It can help show with whom you are dealing with to a degree. I dunno, she says I can ask her whenever, but it'll upset her (not that this way did much good either).

Maybe it's me with the problem. Me who can't let go of the past. When I get close to a person I tell them about my past, about my experiances. I feel that shows more about me then most other things. People then tend to do the same in return, but she can't. She can't remember much and what she does make her low.

I hate being this pathetic.

I hate being the problem. I hate these moodswings right now too.

I have no idea what I should do, how I should fix things, if I should do anything. But that's just being human I guess.

Maybe the worst thing out of it all is the fact that in the back of my mind all I can think is that I would be upsetting people if I was on my own. On my own, living life on my own strenght. People may miss me at first, but they'll get over it. Everyone leaves in the end anyway. Why hurt myself and other this way? On my own I know what I'm dealing with. I know who's at fault, I know I can't hurt anyone.

But could I go back to it? And is it all true?

Okay, I am currently sat on my bed with a bit of a problem on my hands. I had some free time on my hads this morning so I went to look at the question my girlfriend asked on yahoo answers a few weeks ago. It was in regards to something we had a falling out about and to be honest I'm not sure if I'm 100% happy with it.

Anyway, whilst there I did a bad thing. I looked through some of her other questions asked and came across some that have shown she has lied to me and that I was a great burden to her before when I was ill (mentally). The thing is I want to talk to her about what I found out, but I think she will be mad at me. I don't wish to start a fight but....

well I guess I know what I'm going to do, I will talk to her about it, I may even miss my seminar to do so. I just am dreading it and am trying to find an easy way out.

Strange, write down these thoughts and problems like this actually does help put things into perspective. Maybe its due to the way I have to carefully word it, since it is going on the web... *ponders*

Anyway, wish me luck hey? I'm gonna need it!!

So how am I, have I changed? or am I stuck it the same place? Strangely the answer to both of them is yes. I have changed, I've stopped many bad habits and have successfully made it to my second year of uni. I learned to accept my emotions, and try to enjoy life. Everything has been going well and not only am I happy but I also have that warm deep contented feeling in my chest.

And yet right now, I've lost most of it. I can't feel emotions, I can't bring myself to care. Hell I can't even be assed to move should I be honest. I've had people saying I should go to a psychatrist that I haven't even met (friend's mentor)which makes me feel like I should be commited. I don't want to be crazy, but yet I feel like I'm losing my mind. I though I was getting stable but its all falling apart. I'm behind on work, my cravings are back and I have had enough. I just want to stop, and curl up into a ball. But I can't. People keep saying I can do it, I've shown that I can be strong and fight through. BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T ANYMORE!?!?! I've had enough, I have no energy, I have no hope. I HATE hope.

You know what? While writing this I have been talking to my friend Sam. He is truely an AMAZING person!!

And know reading back on this it seems like something that should be written by a 13 year old emo and not a 20 year old university student. I can't live my life with that attitude. I have problems yes, but don't we all?

I mean I have a wonderfull girlfriend, we are going to get engaged in a few months(!!!) I am going to Japan for a year to study, and I am stronger and I am better and I CAN DO THIS!!!

(Yes the last paragraph was written over two hours later ;P)
Also, I am not going to delete this just as a reminder for myself. Since I doubt anyone actually reads this ;P