I'm back and I'm going to start doing things my way.
First off . . . . To Do List!
- PACK!
-pack!!!!
- move house
- get laptop fixed (half my keyboard isn't working -.-)
- HC1 form !!!
- Japanese
- Latin!
and last but definatley not least. . . .
- do things my way (aka, screw food I'm losing fat instead)
more things will proaly crop up but ..ehh
Gonna try veganism again I think.... puts a lotta things off limits ;)
anyway tidy now chat later
xx
Hate may be a strong word, but I really, really, really, really, don't like my body.
I want to be thin, I want to be seen as beautiful, sexy maybe, but that will never be.
I have a masculine square face, I'm over weight, spotty, flat-chested and ugly. I'm lower than plain, I'm ugly. I wish so hard that I could be seen as beautiful, and it hurts, I hope one day that there is a guy who will find me sexy, but I know hope is a lie. There was a reason that hope was in Pandora's Box and that's cause it can hurt deeper than anything else I've known.
I miss not eating, I miss the joy that came every morning as I weighed myself, I hate being this weak and dumb that I can;t find a way around it. I hate the state of my skin, it hasn't been perfectly clear in soooo long.
I hate the fact that I envy my Girlfriend so much, but she really is beautiful. To an artistic level, the heart shaped face, the big blue eyes with a sexy round almond shape, her long lashes. Everything is proportion beautifully. Yet she doesn't see it.
I came home today.
Home.
My home consists of my mother and I. Home means I have no one really watching me. I can let loose an no one will know. Today I have had a few spoonfulls of porridge, half of a sandwich, 1 packet of crisps and 2 mini sauasage rolls and I like it. I don't deserve to eat. weighing myself today showed me how much weight I have began to gain again >.< I was getting close to my goal but no I had to be a glutton again.
Home. Home mean I can induldge in my desires, things that people say are bad for me. I know home can be bad for my metal frame, but it gives me what I WANT.
I want to be skinny.
I want to push my limits.
I want to experiance more and more.
Lets just see what happens. I can let go of control for once, and I want to see where it will take me. What it will make out of me. This may not be a safe journey, hell it might not even be fun, but its experiancing life and MYSELF.
What could possibly go wrong....?
SoooOOooo.... Today I have been pondering if I should stay on my anti-depressants; I think they may be half the problem with me. In order for me to pick myself up I need to reach x low. Which is currently impossible since I can no longer fall that low, yes to me it fells like the meds are doing their job TOO well.
Recently I have been cramming for tests and the stress was building as it normally does, but instead of dropping a little so I can get to that point where I tune out all emotions and just work, I'm stuck. I can't drop to get numb and the stress is just building and building. I know some of my old release would help, but I'm not allowed to do them anymore. Though just becasue I'm not suppose to doesn;t drive them away. I REALLY don't want to eat at the moment and sometimes when it really builds up I just wanna slice myself in so many ways till the blood drips down my legs.
I want to be numb again, hell I want to be able to sleep around tbh. To be so numb that I'm not in and to get lost in feeling without the bad emoutions there. To be able to lose myself. I need a break, I need space. For once in my life I am looking forward to going home. And that is a sad sad fact for me.
To be honest I don't know what to do with myself, I'll just have to hold on and see how it all plays out. Wish me luck!
Please, let me give up. Let there be a clause somewhere that means I can crawl into a hole and break. Break into thousdands of pieces and time will hold. But that's it isn't it. Time won't hold, time will keep moving and I just have to catch up.
What happened to my old level of organisation? What happened to me keeping a diary and keeping it up to date? I did that for a almost 8 months and now what? Its flown out of the window that's what. I need my own space, I need my own time. But that's selfish now. The sad thing is, I CAN SEE WHERE I'VE GONE WRONG!
I known that I'm in one of those moods, that I'll be stuck here for sometime. I know that there is no quick way out, I know that it causes me to tune out of the world around me.
I'm depressed, I know I should put more effort in to see whats happening around me, to see how my actions affect others. But its hard. I just want to get through the day and reach at least one of my goals. That turns me single minded.
But right now tbh, part of me wants to die, in the metophorical sense.part of my soul is ready to curl up and call it quits. No more problems, no more pain. Just quits.
But I can't, there might be something up ahead. SOmething for a person like me though? I'm worthless, right now I can't see the forest for the trees. I'll hurt more people than I'll help. And at the end of the day I'M SELFISH.
I want someone to notice, to give me the space I need but be there at the same time. I want the impossible. All for me. I, I, I, thats all I ever think about, thats all I'll probably ever thing about.
My slefishness shows physically as well though. I'm a fatty, I stuff my face. I want it I've got it. Om nom nom nom nom. FATTY.
Fat, flat-chested, undesirable, lesbian, selfish, cold hearted nothing.
Here I am again, being a wonder pot of 'joy'.
But why should I be happy? I mean I try, I really do try sometimes. Only to get knocked down again. I mean today I was talking to my girlfriend and we had slept till 1pm in the afternoon, meaning we had missed out on time in which we could do work. She was saying how it was a waste of a day (it was 3pm by this point), which I followed up with"not really, I mean we have got most of our chirstmas presents sorted." To which she replies but thats not a lot when you take innto consideration of what we could have done today. Which is true. I mean christ it is a watse. But aT LEAST I was trying to put a good spin on it.
Mind you maybe thats my problem. I try to take things too easily. That's why I am getting nowhere. People are just distractions. What's the point with dealing with people? You have to spend time with them, worrying about them, then comes times where you have to waste miney on them just because of our materialist culture.
It keeps coming back, the thoughts of how much better I would be if I was on my own. On my own, no one can hurt me, no one can influence my mood, no one can pull me out of my numb where I curl up. If I don't do something, that's my fault. I'd be safer on my own. I'd be more in control on my own. I'd know what was going on, there would be less outside factors to consider. EVERYTHING WOULD BE EASIER, CONTROLED, KNOWN, SAFER.
I hate emotions, they will destroy me. I wish I could just stay numb, not feeling. I want too get deeper into it, get lost in it. So no one can pull me out. So I can be cacooned in its embrace. padded, safe.
I just need to learn how. But this one is new, it even takes away the cold logical that would remain in my old one.
Please, let me understand this new one. LEt me get lost in it. Let it all go...
Okay, so after my chat with my friend I stopped of at home before heading to town with Sam. It was good he texted me asking me to go to town, but I regret telling him that I wasn't planning on eating. But hell I'm fat. A fat fat fatty >.<
I truely detest myself. I hurt people, I'm ugly, I'm unstable, I'm clingy, I FAIL.
but here I am, same bat time same bat place.
any idea what to do, no
any idea where I stand, a bit. She didn't like her past being brought up, especially unexpectedly. It rattled some things. But she was more worried about my reactions then anything else. Also a bit shaken at the loss of her private place of call -.-
So I am a douche, (in my books) but she's not angry
Night