Mihi, pro serenus

I came home today.

Home.

My home consists of my mother and I. Home means I have no one really watching me. I can let loose an no one will know. Today I have had a few spoonfulls of porridge, half of a sandwich, 1 packet of crisps and 2 mini sauasage rolls and I like it. I don't deserve to eat. weighing myself today showed me how much weight I have began to gain again >.< I was getting close to my goal but no I had to be a glutton again.

Home. Home mean I can induldge in my desires, things that people say are bad for me. I know home can be bad for my metal frame, but it gives me what I WANT.

I want to be skinny.
I want to push my limits.
I want to experiance more and more.

Lets just see what happens. I can let go of control for once, and I want to see where it will take me. What it will make out of me. This may not be a safe journey, hell it might not even be fun, but its experiancing life and MYSELF.

What could possibly go wrong....?

SoooOOooo.... Today I have been pondering if I should stay on my anti-depressants; I think they may be half the problem with me. In order for me to pick myself up I need to reach x low. Which is currently impossible since I can no longer fall that low, yes to me it fells like the meds are doing their job TOO well.

Recently I have been cramming for tests and the stress was building as it normally does, but instead of dropping a little so I can get to that point where I tune out all emotions and just work, I'm stuck. I can't drop to get numb and the stress is just building and building. I know some of my old release would help, but I'm not allowed to do them anymore. Though just becasue I'm not suppose to doesn;t drive them away. I REALLY don't want to eat at the moment and sometimes when it really builds up I just wanna slice myself in so many ways till the blood drips down my legs.

I want to be numb again, hell I want to be able to sleep around tbh. To be so numb that I'm not in and to get lost in feeling without the bad emoutions there. To be able to lose myself. I need a break, I need space. For once in my life I am looking forward to going home. And that is a sad sad fact for me.

To be honest I don't know what to do with myself, I'll just have to hold on and see how it all plays out. Wish me luck!

Please, let me give up. Let there be a clause somewhere that means I can crawl into a hole and break. Break into thousdands of pieces and time will hold. But that's it isn't it. Time won't hold, time will keep moving and I just have to catch up.

What happened to my old level of organisation? What happened to me keeping a diary and keeping it up to date? I did that for a almost 8 months and now what? Its flown out of the window that's what. I need my own space, I need my own time. But that's selfish now. The sad thing is, I CAN SEE WHERE I'VE GONE WRONG!

I known that I'm in one of those moods, that I'll be stuck here for sometime. I know that there is no quick way out, I know that it causes me to tune out of the world around me.

I'm depressed, I know I should put more effort in to see whats happening around me, to see how my actions affect others. But its hard. I just want to get through the day and reach at least one of my goals. That turns me single minded.

But right now tbh, part of me wants to die, in the metophorical sense.part of my soul is ready to curl up and call it quits. No more problems, no more pain. Just quits.

But I can't, there might be something up ahead. SOmething for a person like me though? I'm worthless, right now I can't see the forest for the trees. I'll hurt more people than I'll help. And at the end of the day I'M SELFISH.

I want someone to notice, to give me the space I need but be there at the same time. I want the impossible. All for me. I, I, I, thats all I ever think about, thats all I'll probably ever thing about.

My slefishness shows physically as well though. I'm a fatty, I stuff my face. I want it I've got it. Om nom nom nom nom. FATTY.

Fat, flat-chested, undesirable, lesbian, selfish, cold hearted nothing.

Here I am again, being a wonder pot of 'joy'.
But why should I be happy? I mean I try, I really do try sometimes. Only to get knocked down again. I mean today I was talking to my girlfriend and we had slept till 1pm in the afternoon, meaning we had missed out on time in which we could do work. She was saying how it was a waste of a day (it was 3pm by this point), which I followed up with"not really, I mean we have got most of our chirstmas presents sorted." To which she replies but thats not a lot when you take innto consideration of what we could have done today. Which is true. I mean christ it is a watse. But aT LEAST I was trying to put a good spin on it.

Mind you maybe thats my problem. I try to take things too easily. That's why I am getting nowhere. People are just distractions. What's the point with dealing with people? You have to spend time with them, worrying about them, then comes times where you have to waste miney on them just because of our materialist culture.

It keeps coming back, the thoughts of how much better I would be if I was on my own. On my own, no one can hurt me, no one can influence my mood, no one can pull me out of my numb where I curl up. If I don't do something, that's my fault. I'd be safer on my own. I'd be more in control on my own. I'd know what was going on, there would be less outside factors to consider. EVERYTHING WOULD BE EASIER, CONTROLED, KNOWN, SAFER.

I hate emotions, they will destroy me. I wish I could just stay numb, not feeling. I want too get deeper into it, get lost in it. So no one can pull me out. So I can be cacooned in its embrace. padded, safe.

I just need to learn how. But this one is new, it even takes away the cold logical that would remain in my old one.

Please, let me understand this new one. LEt me get lost in it. Let it all go...

Okay, so after my chat with my friend I stopped of at home before heading to town with Sam. It was good he texted me asking me to go to town, but I regret telling him that I wasn't planning on eating. But hell I'm fat. A fat fat fatty >.<

I truely detest myself. I hurt people, I'm ugly, I'm unstable, I'm clingy, I FAIL.

but here I am, same bat time same bat place.

any idea what to do, no
any idea where I stand, a bit. She didn't like her past being brought up, especially unexpectedly. It rattled some things. But she was more worried about my reactions then anything else. Also a bit shaken at the loss of her private place of call -.-

So I am a douche, (in my books) but she's not angry

Night

Okay, so I've told her and am actually sat next to her writing this (though she's working).

So the boyfriend thing was just a metaphore for part of her self being held back. But I think, no I believe completely that I have upset her. She's said to me how she hates the past being brought up and that she wouldn't have done it herself. But she's not angry with me and I'm not sure which is worse?

I feel so bad, I didn't mean to pry, I was just curious. I just want to know more about her. A person's past shows how they became the person they are today. It can help show with whom you are dealing with to a degree. I dunno, she says I can ask her whenever, but it'll upset her (not that this way did much good either).

Maybe it's me with the problem. Me who can't let go of the past. When I get close to a person I tell them about my past, about my experiances. I feel that shows more about me then most other things. People then tend to do the same in return, but she can't. She can't remember much and what she does make her low.

I hate being this pathetic.

I hate being the problem. I hate these moodswings right now too.

I have no idea what I should do, how I should fix things, if I should do anything. But that's just being human I guess.

Maybe the worst thing out of it all is the fact that in the back of my mind all I can think is that I would be upsetting people if I was on my own. On my own, living life on my own strenght. People may miss me at first, but they'll get over it. Everyone leaves in the end anyway. Why hurt myself and other this way? On my own I know what I'm dealing with. I know who's at fault, I know I can't hurt anyone.

But could I go back to it? And is it all true?

Okay, I am currently sat on my bed with a bit of a problem on my hands. I had some free time on my hads this morning so I went to look at the question my girlfriend asked on yahoo answers a few weeks ago. It was in regards to something we had a falling out about and to be honest I'm not sure if I'm 100% happy with it.

Anyway, whilst there I did a bad thing. I looked through some of her other questions asked and came across some that have shown she has lied to me and that I was a great burden to her before when I was ill (mentally). The thing is I want to talk to her about what I found out, but I think she will be mad at me. I don't wish to start a fight but....

well I guess I know what I'm going to do, I will talk to her about it, I may even miss my seminar to do so. I just am dreading it and am trying to find an easy way out.

Strange, write down these thoughts and problems like this actually does help put things into perspective. Maybe its due to the way I have to carefully word it, since it is going on the web... *ponders*

Anyway, wish me luck hey? I'm gonna need it!!

So how am I, have I changed? or am I stuck it the same place? Strangely the answer to both of them is yes. I have changed, I've stopped many bad habits and have successfully made it to my second year of uni. I learned to accept my emotions, and try to enjoy life. Everything has been going well and not only am I happy but I also have that warm deep contented feeling in my chest.

And yet right now, I've lost most of it. I can't feel emotions, I can't bring myself to care. Hell I can't even be assed to move should I be honest. I've had people saying I should go to a psychatrist that I haven't even met (friend's mentor)which makes me feel like I should be commited. I don't want to be crazy, but yet I feel like I'm losing my mind. I though I was getting stable but its all falling apart. I'm behind on work, my cravings are back and I have had enough. I just want to stop, and curl up into a ball. But I can't. People keep saying I can do it, I've shown that I can be strong and fight through. BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T ANYMORE!?!?! I've had enough, I have no energy, I have no hope. I HATE hope.

You know what? While writing this I have been talking to my friend Sam. He is truely an AMAZING person!!

And know reading back on this it seems like something that should be written by a 13 year old emo and not a 20 year old university student. I can't live my life with that attitude. I have problems yes, but don't we all?

I mean I have a wonderfull girlfriend, we are going to get engaged in a few months(!!!) I am going to Japan for a year to study, and I am stronger and I am better and I CAN DO THIS!!!

(Yes the last paragraph was written over two hours later ;P)
Also, I am not going to delete this just as a reminder for myself. Since I doubt anyone actually reads this ;P