Mihi, pro serenus

SoooOOooo.... Today I have been pondering if I should stay on my anti-depressants; I think they may be half the problem with me. In order for me to pick myself up I need to reach x low. Which is currently impossible since I can no longer fall that low, yes to me it fells like the meds are doing their job TOO well.

Recently I have been cramming for tests and the stress was building as it normally does, but instead of dropping a little so I can get to that point where I tune out all emotions and just work, I'm stuck. I can't drop to get numb and the stress is just building and building. I know some of my old release would help, but I'm not allowed to do them anymore. Though just becasue I'm not suppose to doesn;t drive them away. I REALLY don't want to eat at the moment and sometimes when it really builds up I just wanna slice myself in so many ways till the blood drips down my legs.

I want to be numb again, hell I want to be able to sleep around tbh. To be so numb that I'm not in and to get lost in feeling without the bad emoutions there. To be able to lose myself. I need a break, I need space. For once in my life I am looking forward to going home. And that is a sad sad fact for me.

To be honest I don't know what to do with myself, I'll just have to hold on and see how it all plays out. Wish me luck!