Mihi, pro serenus

Here I am again, being a wonder pot of 'joy'.
But why should I be happy? I mean I try, I really do try sometimes. Only to get knocked down again. I mean today I was talking to my girlfriend and we had slept till 1pm in the afternoon, meaning we had missed out on time in which we could do work. She was saying how it was a waste of a day (it was 3pm by this point), which I followed up with"not really, I mean we have got most of our chirstmas presents sorted." To which she replies but thats not a lot when you take innto consideration of what we could have done today. Which is true. I mean christ it is a watse. But aT LEAST I was trying to put a good spin on it.

Mind you maybe thats my problem. I try to take things too easily. That's why I am getting nowhere. People are just distractions. What's the point with dealing with people? You have to spend time with them, worrying about them, then comes times where you have to waste miney on them just because of our materialist culture.

It keeps coming back, the thoughts of how much better I would be if I was on my own. On my own, no one can hurt me, no one can influence my mood, no one can pull me out of my numb where I curl up. If I don't do something, that's my fault. I'd be safer on my own. I'd be more in control on my own. I'd know what was going on, there would be less outside factors to consider. EVERYTHING WOULD BE EASIER, CONTROLED, KNOWN, SAFER.

I hate emotions, they will destroy me. I wish I could just stay numb, not feeling. I want too get deeper into it, get lost in it. So no one can pull me out. So I can be cacooned in its embrace. padded, safe.

I just need to learn how. But this one is new, it even takes away the cold logical that would remain in my old one.

Please, let me understand this new one. LEt me get lost in it. Let it all go...