Mihi, pro serenus

Please, let me give up. Let there be a clause somewhere that means I can crawl into a hole and break. Break into thousdands of pieces and time will hold. But that's it isn't it. Time won't hold, time will keep moving and I just have to catch up.

What happened to my old level of organisation? What happened to me keeping a diary and keeping it up to date? I did that for a almost 8 months and now what? Its flown out of the window that's what. I need my own space, I need my own time. But that's selfish now. The sad thing is, I CAN SEE WHERE I'VE GONE WRONG!

I known that I'm in one of those moods, that I'll be stuck here for sometime. I know that there is no quick way out, I know that it causes me to tune out of the world around me.

I'm depressed, I know I should put more effort in to see whats happening around me, to see how my actions affect others. But its hard. I just want to get through the day and reach at least one of my goals. That turns me single minded.

But right now tbh, part of me wants to die, in the metophorical sense.part of my soul is ready to curl up and call it quits. No more problems, no more pain. Just quits.

But I can't, there might be something up ahead. SOmething for a person like me though? I'm worthless, right now I can't see the forest for the trees. I'll hurt more people than I'll help. And at the end of the day I'M SELFISH.

I want someone to notice, to give me the space I need but be there at the same time. I want the impossible. All for me. I, I, I, thats all I ever think about, thats all I'll probably ever thing about.

My slefishness shows physically as well though. I'm a fatty, I stuff my face. I want it I've got it. Om nom nom nom nom. FATTY.

Fat, flat-chested, undesirable, lesbian, selfish, cold hearted nothing.